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It's 1:00am
I feel guilty.

I haven't done anything wrong.
I don't want to do anything wrong.

I'm too afraid to hurt people
That same fear makes me hurt myself

I could be happier.
I'm just not sure how to get there.

I don't ask for what I really want
I haven't yet anyway, I doubt I ever will

It's my own fault,
I'm disappointed by what I get in the end.

I shouldn't be surprised by that.
Still, I always am.

Apathy and procrastination are my bane
They're not just self-inflicted.

I've got motivation
I've got a plan.

I've had plans.
I've relied on others

They haven't came through
Maybe they still will

I have been working hard and been successful.
Still I want more, I deserve more.

I fear that if I get what I want
will make someone else unhappy.

Which would make me very unhappy.
Which isn't what I want

It's kinda paradoxal,
It's irritating me.

I hate decisions like this.
They're never easy

I can't rely on you
or else to make them for me.

I have to make them for myself.
Damn it, I'm not sure that I want.

I'm not sure I will want what I want now
Or if the consequences will make me not.

my xmas stockingCollapse )

Dear Santa,

Thanks for listening to my rant, and being so forgiving. I know I've been far from a good boy this year.

Here's this year's wishlist.

1) Decent paying jobs. Not for me this time, for my friends who want them.
2) A steadier place to stay. Again, not for me. More stability all around for some of my friends. YOU know the ones.
3) Direction I need to get better at setting myself some direction, goals and follow through. Help with that.
4) Wendy treats.
5) Toys.
6) Happiness all around. Peace on Earth.. although, that would put a lot of people out of work... Well you can if you want.



Flash HD 32GB... mmm

torhamx's Halloween party:

absath dressed as something rich, but what, specifically, you can't tell.
artsangel dressed as a bottle of Duonanmax.
babyinme dressed as the Viscount of Elmfield, and it suited them all too well.
beertndr dressed as someone who just poked themselves in the eye.
dattman25 dressed as a fork.
e_nig_ma dressed as a can of Pepsi.
emerith dressed as Adam Sandler.
garthic dressed as Kevin Costner.
godk dressed as a fullback for the Raiders.
grasyn dressed as a character from "The Exorcist".
green_muse dressed as a fiery shrub, and it suited them disturbingly well.
individual75293 dressed as a mummy.
joeymichaels dressed as a resistance.
jowers dressed as the love child of George Lucas and Mia Hamm, and it suited them all too well.
kabuki_akeim dressed as the President of Congo, though it looked more like a new superhero: Snow-wave.
kayla_wilder dressed as Jon Stewart.
kelgirl gets drunk, strips naked, and somehow emerges dressed as the Cardinal of Freekyhlon.
madamehel dressed as Lt. Cmdr. Data from "Star Trek".
mamajenn1 dressed as a Level 14 barbarian.
mistresscolleen dressed as Benjamin Harrison, though it looked more like a disturbing self-made character called "Dinky Wafflebrain".
moonlytnyte dressed as a 1980's yuppie child.
mrdez dressed as a Colorado AssociatedCorp. employee.
phreakgirl dressed as Lance Armstrong.
pookakty dressed as the spirit of their dead grandmother Alma.
rpg2 dressed as a new member of the Wu-Tang Clan, Intellectual Watcher.
simple_design dressed as a pilot.
tiffanyd dressed as a raccoon.
tinkerbelladona dressed as your aunt.
xrkon dressed as Optimus Prime, and it suited them disturbingly well.

Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created with phpNonsense

Current Location: Work *gags*
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Christina Aguilera - Ain't no other man

Starting to plan out our HHN Trip for this year... we're going the same weekend that the Funhavers are having their party. :( I suppose I'll live. We (kelgirl) bought the tickets last night, and today, my significant other is going to call around about the hotel.

I'm looking forward to going this year. It's giong to be a smaller group of people than last year and the year before which is good. This year, my wife won't be dislocating her knee with any luck and I won't be spending a third year pushing her around on a wheelchair.

I'm a bit disappointed that I couldn't find any more pics from Eclipse this weekend... not that I spent all that much time looking for them. :D

Anyway if you find some, comment and I'll give you my email addy.

Here's 3 pics of kelgirl, pookakty, and me!

Links only cause they're kinda big.

Pic 1
Pic 2
Pic 3

If anybody has any other pics of us, or just me even, let me know so I can steal a copy for my own collection please!

Had a great weekend. Friday night, we hung out with Rachel at Fuel. (Rachel = teh hawt) Saw friends, met new ones.

Last night, we spent the day wandering Jacksonville, looking for stuff for Night of the Living Goth, at the Eclipse at Factory. I was a little disappointed that the brain eating contest fell through.. but I did win best male zombie. So, I get in eclipse free... so no more excuses not to go out anymore.

Today, we went to the park over at 5points and watched fighter practice, fed the ducks, and walked around with the doggy. And now I'm relaxing, and drinking lotsa water and gonna veg out on video games.

Current Mood: happyhappy

So, we're planning on going to Halloween Horror Nights on 10/28.. I'm off 10/27-10/29 I think we're staying in a hotel in Orlando this year, and no matter what, I think we're definitely going to do valet, if Sylvia and I go down in our car.

This last few weeks has been interesting. Had a really good weekend last weekend, thanks to e_nig_ma, and mamajenn1. Worried about drama, and drama happened anyway, although after the fact.

The house is quiet and peaceful tonight. I helped kabuki_akeim by fixing his car door, for the most part.. it's not perfect, but then again, I'm not a mechanic. Together he and I got his door up, and pookakty took him to his place.

This weekend I work, of course, looking forward to having tomorrow off though.

Really wish I knew a better way to post and to get stuff off my chest, but, I worry about stepping on toes way too much. Anyway. I'm a little bit anxious and nervous tonight for some reason. Feels like something big is on the horizon. I just hope it's something good.

More later I guess.

I think this week should have been National Let your car start doing weird things or break week. Our car needed a sensor or something electrical fixed, kelgirl's needed to have a bearing replaced and green_muse's car being out of transmission fluid... I think e_nig_ma's just was getting ahead of the game and started a couple weeks early.

Darn cars.

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